18

Wriggling at the back of my throat; a thought straight through my mind.

Will I ever be content? “Well yes”, my heart lied. 

This lil world to which I was confined,

Got my soul all soaked and my hands all tied.

You just went to work,

While I prepared your food.

You spent time around your clerks,

While I cleaned, cooked and brewed.

Feeding my little kid,

While I missed out on meals. 

Switching diapers was all I did,

While my pals exchanged deals.

I taught my little one, 

While you drowned in your sleep,

I stayed up with my son,

Without a blink of the eye, but yeah a lil weep.

My job was to clean the dishes,

Make your clothes, spotless.

Taking care of your wishes,

Leaving my life, lifeless.

Hurt was an understatement,

As my life, away from me, was snatched.

With your due acknowledgement,

What I believe, we never matched. 

I was only 18, when my life came to a halt.

And people just ask me why.

I say that I was married off.

And left alone to die.

Tears

Running down my cheeks, while I faked a smile, my tears looked up to me, begging for an answer. I couldn’t reply a word. Watching him leave, left me without a word and spare me only tears. Tears. He looked at me with so much love, assuring me that he would return. I couldn’t help but smile. Smile, and wave a goodbye. Smile, and cry. I watched him depart. Saw him fiddle with his luggage while trying to wave me back a goodbye. Trying to control his tears. Tears. I tried to force mine in somehow but failed. Failed to depart him with a smile. Failed to let him leave with a feeling that it’ll be alright and that he’d return. Failed to see him depart without tears. Tears. I wish I had something to say before his departure. Wish that I had something to assure him that I’ll be alright. Wish that I had gifted him something else instead of those tears. Tears. I wonder how life would be without him. Wonder how I’ll pass my time without him by my side. Wonder how I’ll live with all those tears. Tears. I wonder how his life would be without me. Would he be alright? Would he survive these years with a smile? Or would he live with all those tears. Tears. I wish it wasn’t as hard as it is. I wish it was not that complicated. I wish it was easy to let go. I wish it was easy to forget all the moments we’ve had together, you know, just to feel a little better.

I wish it was easy to live with a smile. 

I wish it was easy to live without those tears.

Tears.

To The One Within

Dear self,

I know you’re trying your hardest to be at your best. Behind the smile that you fake everyday, I can see the pain. I can see the pain within your gorgeous eyes that lie behind those big frame glasses. I can hear your soul cry. 

Cry, cry.

I can feel your body get numb each time you see yourself in the mirror. Wondering, whether there’ll ever come a time when you’ll look a little better. I can see you curse under your breath each time you get a glimpse. I don’t blame you. I was never impressed by what I saw in the mirror either. 

I can feel you getting nauseated each time you get reminded of your past. Each time someone mentions it, you feel like dying, I know. I can feel it too. Recalling everything, makes you cry.

Cry, cry.

I know pretty girl, what’s going inside of you. 

Love, 

Self.

Denial

You didn’t see my tears, didn’t see me cry within.

Never saw my scars, nor the pain I carried in.

Simply ignored my bruises plus those dirty marks.

Rewarded me with taunts and rude remarks.

You screamed, slapped and defied.

I hid, fell and cried.

You hurt me a million times, all you had was me to assault.

I backed up a thousand times, praying that you would stop.

I cried all night, while you slept.

Saving all I could; a secret that I kept.

You would often call me names, often appall.

I would often ignore, never recall.

You simply didn’t care to notice what my heart desired.

You did all you could and I never backfired.

My body wanted to escape, wanted a revival.

Unfortunately, it couldn’t. ‘Cause I was living in denial.

Broken

My viens crimson red, my heart royal blue.

Couldn’t believe a truth that was inevitably true.

The sun was out at midnight, the moon anything but pure white. 

I looked all o’er for you, 

But there seemed no time to bid adieu.

With passing time, my wounds healed.

Though the scars remained.

My tears dried up and I learned to swallow the pain.

With a frozen heartbeat and accursed lips, 

I take your name, but find zilch amidst.

But all that I know is that you’ll retreat. 

Perhaps, you’ll fake a cry or even fall on your knees.

Years later, you’ll look for my heart.

And in an attempt, pull 2 souls apart.

You’ll search for the lover you’d left before,

But find the devil take me o’er.

You’ll find a place where my heartbeat does reside.

Though, unfortunately, there’s not a heart but a black stone inside.

You’ll touch my face but find no warmth in there,

My love’s completely cold, lone and bare.

You’ll try to find whether there’s any love left,

But there’s just broken promises, denial; my heart’s bereft.

You’ll look into my eyes, try to peep in.

Try to find your answers but just find a question within….

You knew that I was broken from the inside,

How could you have the audacity to break me twice? 

Poison

“Bitter sweet ecstasy that you got me in, 

Fallen deep, I can’t sleep tonight.”

I jammed to my favourite song in the car while savouring my Pumpkin Spice Lotté from Starbucks. With Rita Ora blaring through the speakers and the wind blowing in from the window, I could pretty much already call it a day. 

“Nothing ever, gets me high like this.”

I’ve never related or perhaps enjoyed this song as much as I did this very moment. Today marks the third day after my break up with Kevin about 2 weeks ago. Not to mention after a 4 year long relationship. 

“Nothing can kill me like you do.”

All the time we’ve had been together, I’ve always allowed him to kill me. I swear his presence was like a drug to me ’cause I was surely addicted to it.

You’re going straight to my head.”

But I soon realized that mine was like a cigarette to him. He would always enjoy a smoke but throw me away when done.

“And I’m heading straight for the edge.” 

I know he was playing all this while but it took me years to finally resist him. I knew he was killing me from inside, but I could not help but savour it.

“I pick my poison and it’s you.”

But I just knew I’ve had enough and could not handle it anymore. He was no longer that drug I was addicted to; he was now a poison. Killing me, gradually. I was no more that cigarette, but rather alcohol. Bitter sweet, yet enjoyable.

I was killing myself.

He was enjoying it.

                __________X__________

A/N : The lyrics I’ve used in here are of the song Poison by Rita Ora.

Nostalgic Footsteps

Here, we roam about, like fishes in a pond.

Talking about the days that are forever, ever gone.

Muttering things of which we are not so fond.         

And thus, all night, we go on and on.

We go about talking of things of the past. 

Some things that were never real. 

Some things that never did last.

But we go about saying all that we feel.

We go about talking all night, all day.

We seldom ever utter a Goodbye. 

We go about saying all that we have to say.

And hence, we’ll go about until we die.

We roam about the streets, hand-in-hand.

Talking about the things that are forever, ever gone.

We laugh, we cry, we talk and…

So, our lives go on and on.

We wonder if anyone does care.

What if to someone we really matter?

We don’t, perhaps, have this burden to bear.

Thus, all night, we chatter.

The clock struck eight,

But we just didn’t care.

We carried on till late.

With our feet all bare.

We walked past noon.

We ran till the dawn.

Saying ‘hello’ to the moon,

We went on and on.

We smiled through the pain,

We just didn’t cry.

We laughed in vain.

Till our lips went all dry. 

We went on as if,

We had nothing to fear,

Along the chills and amidst

All those glares. 

We went about striding

To the place we belong.

And thus, we reached our destination

As we went on and on.