Will you? \\k.s

I have never been loved.

Why do you feel so? Replied the boy.

I don’t have a hand to hold this fall. With the leaves that are shedding, shed my self confidence and hope. No one to wipe my tears and say that I’m pretty. Look me into the eyes with utmost love, embrace my flaws and promise to love me till the next fall and many more. No one. None.

But what if you’re not able to see the love through your despairing eyes?

Am I really that unfortunate to not sense the love that exists? Am I really that flawed to not notice the one who loves(me)?

Not unfortunate, my love. Just despaired. He thought.

Look at those unfortunate trees, shedding the leaves with teary eyes but with the hope that they’ll retreat the next spring.

Well I have no one to hope for to come back. No one to say goodbye to, with the hope that they’ll come back.

The one who actually loves, will never leave, Susan. You wouldn’t ever have any goodbyes to give, a kiss to spare, or a hand to wave. Believe me. He’ll stay. All you have to do is remain like a tree, waiting for your hope and love to grow back like the leaves. Said the boy to the girl he loved.

Well, will you?

Will I what?

Will you stay?

Yes, had I loved you. He said, with a voice almost cracking, sweaty palms and teary eyes.

She cried a little and he smiled.

As he left for Vietnam, he waved at her as she waved back and he turned his head. She waved while muttering a love you behind his back.

As he muttered a love you too.

And so she waited like a tree in the fall, seeing her favourite flower gloom, waiting for the spring to come and bring him along.

©Khushi Suneja

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You weren’t just the one\\k.s

I was running past my insecuries,

Dodging my fears,

Defeating my anxieties,

And getting over those tears.

I ran all the way through,

Survived the darkest of nights,

With a faith pure and untrue,

I fought as long as I could fight.

Soon, I realized that I was in a mess,

You weren’t the just the one, I found.

Stay away from him they’d suggest.

I couldn’t realize in time; I stand astound.

Yes, fault in our stars,

Blame on whatsoever you feel,

‘Coz we were never together; just apart,

You just behold as I conceal.

Our rendezvous was a mistake,

It shouldn’t have been this way,

We began a beginning that was fake,

And so I waited, until you betrayed.

I still wonder…

Were we ever meant to be?

As my life turns into a blunder,

My heart shatters into a million piece.

Yes, we never had a thing,

Love among us? Can’t recall.

Just running, chasing and mourning,

Sure that isn’t what love’s called.

Yes, we are no more us,

Just You and I,

You caused what it is now and thus,

It’s my turn to defy.

© Khushi Suneja

18 \\k.s

Wriggling at the back of my throat; a thought straight through my mind.

Will I ever be content? “Well yes”, my heart lied.

This little world to which I was confined,

Got my soul all soaked and my hands all tied.

You just went to work,

While I prepared your food.

You spent time around your clerks,

While I cleaned, cooked and brewed.

Feeding my little kid,

While I missed out on meals.

Switching diapers was all I did,

While my pals exchanged deals.

I taught my little one,

While you drowned in your sleep,

I stayed up with my son,

Without a blink of the eye, but yeah a lil weep.

My job was to clean the dishes,

Make your clothes, spotless.

Taking care of your wishes,

Leaving my life, lifeless.

Hurt was an understatement,

As my life, away from me, was snatched.

With your due acknowledgement,

What I believe, we never matched.

I was only 18, when my life came to a halt.

And people just ask me why.

I say that I was married off.

And left alone to cry.

© Khushi Suneja

Tears \\k.s

Running down my cheeks, while I faked a smile, my tears looked up to me, begging for an answer. I couldn’t reply a word. Watching him leave, left me without a word and spare me only tears. Tears. He looked at me with so much love, assuring me that he would return. I couldn’t help but smile. Smile, and wave a goodbye. Smile, and cry. I watched him depart. Saw him fiddle with his luggage while trying to wave me back a goodbye. Trying to control his tears. Tears. I tried to force mine in somehow but failed. Failed to depart him with a smile. Failed to let him leave with a feeling that it’ll be alright and that he’d return. Failed to see him depart without tears. Tears. I wish I had something to say before his departure. Wish that I had something to assure him that I’ll be alright. Wish that I had gifted him something else instead of those tears. Tears. I wonder how life would be without him. Wonder how I’ll pass my time without him by my side. Wonder how I’ll live with all those tears. Tears. I wonder how his life would be without me. Would he be alright? Would he survive these years with a smile? Or would he live with all those tears. Tears. I wish it wasn’t as hard as it is. I wish it was not that complicated. I wish it was easy to let go. I wish it was easy to forget all the moments we’ve had together, you know, just to feel a little better.

I wish it was easy to live with a smile.

I wish it was easy to live without those tears.

Tears.

© Khushi Suneja

To The One Within \\k.s

Dear self,

I know you’re trying your hardest to be at your best. Behind the smile that you fake everyday, I can see the pain. I can see the pain within your gorgeous eyes that lie behind those big frame glasses. I can hear your soul cry.

Cry, cry.

I can feel your body get numb each time you see yourself in the mirror. Wondering, whether there’ll ever come a time when you’ll look a little better. I can see you curse under your breath each time you get a glimpse. I don’t blame you. I was never impressed by what I saw in the mirror either.

I can feel you getting nauseated each time you get reminded of your past. Each time someone mentions it, you feel like dying, I know. I can feel it too. Recalling everything, makes you cry.

Cry, cry.

I know pretty girl, what’s going inside of you.

Love,

Self.

© Khushi Suneja

Denial \\k.s

You didn’t see my tears, didn’t see me cry within.

Never saw my scars, nor the pain I carried in.

Simply ignored my bruises plus those dirty marks.

Rewarded me with taunts and rude remarks.

You screamed, slapped and defied.

I hid, fell and cried.

You hurt me a million times, all you had was me to assault.

I backed up a thousand times, praying that you would stop.

I cried all night, while you slept.

Saving all I could; a secret that I kept.

You would often call me names, often appall.

I would often ignore, never recall.

You simply didn’t care to notice what my heart desired.

You did all you could and I never backfired.

My body wanted to escape, wanted a revival.

Unfortunately, it couldn’t. ‘Cause I was living in denial.

© Khushi Suneja

Broken💔 \\k.s

My viens crimson red, my heart royal blue.

Couldn’t believe a truth that was inevitably true.

The sun was out at midnight, the moon anything but pure white.

I looked all o’er for you,

But there seemed no time to bid adieu.

With passing time, my wounds healed.

Though the scars remained.

My tears dried up and I learned to swallow the pain.

With a frozen heartbeat and accursed lips,

I take your name, but find zilch amidst.

But all that I know is that you’ll retreat.

Perhaps, you’ll fake a cry or even fall on your knees.

Years later, you’ll look for my heart.

And in an attempt, pull 2 souls apart.

You’ll search for the lover you’d left before,

But find the devil take me o’er.

You’ll find a place where my heartbeat does reside.

Though, unfortunately, there’s not a heart but a black stone inside.

You’ll touch my face but find no warmth in there,

My love’s completely cold, lone and bare.

You’ll try to find whether there’s any love left,

But there’s just broken promises, denial; my heart’s bereft.

You’ll look into my eyes, try to peep in.

Try to find your answers but just find a question within….

You knew that I was broken from the inside,

How could you have the audacity to break me twice?

© Khushi Suneja