18

Wriggling at the back of my throat; a thought straight through my mind.

Will I ever be content? “Well yes”, my heart lied. 

This lil world to which I was confined,

Got my soul all soaked and my hands all tied.

You just went to work,

While I prepared your food.

You spent time around your clerks,

While I cleaned, cooked and brewed.

Feeding my little kid,

While I missed out on meals. 

Switching diapers was all I did,

While my pals exchanged deals.

I taught my little one, 

While you drowned in your sleep,

I stayed up with my son,

Without a blink of the eye, but yeah a lil weep.

My job was to clean the dishes,

Make your clothes, spotless.

Taking care of your wishes,

Leaving my life, lifeless.

Hurt was an understatement,

As my life, away from me, was snatched.

With your due acknowledgement,

What I believe, we never matched. 

I was only 18, when my life came to a halt.

And people just ask me why.

I say that I was married off.

And left alone to die.

Tears

Running down my cheeks, while I faked a smile, my tears looked up to me, begging for an answer. I couldn’t reply a word. Watching him leave, left me without a word and spare me only tears. Tears. He looked at me with so much love, assuring me that he would return. I couldn’t help but smile. Smile, and wave a goodbye. Smile, and cry. I watched him depart. Saw him fiddle with his luggage while trying to wave me back a goodbye. Trying to control his tears. Tears. I tried to force mine in somehow but failed. Failed to depart him with a smile. Failed to let him leave with a feeling that it’ll be alright and that he’d return. Failed to see him depart without tears. Tears. I wish I had something to say before his departure. Wish that I had something to assure him that I’ll be alright. Wish that I had gifted him something else instead of those tears. Tears. I wonder how life would be without him. Wonder how I’ll pass my time without him by my side. Wonder how I’ll live with all those tears. Tears. I wonder how his life would be without me. Would he be alright? Would he survive these years with a smile? Or would he live with all those tears. Tears. I wish it wasn’t as hard as it is. I wish it was not that complicated. I wish it was easy to let go. I wish it was easy to forget all the moments we’ve had together, you know, just to feel a little better.

I wish it was easy to live with a smile. 

I wish it was easy to live without those tears.

Tears.

Chaos

Running like a wild mess, I looked behind my back. Monstrous men in black, chasing me. The wind being not so generous, blocking my way now and then. I turned once more and ran as fast as I could. I reminded myself of how I used to run away from situations, back in my childhood. It was of no use, though. I heard the noise of the bullet that went right past my arm and hit the building in front. I took a turn, yet again and continued to run. I reached the corner of the street and felt no way out. 

Dead end.

Finding no way out, I started to run inside the building that laid at the corner. Started climbing up the stairs, heading for the roof. The tapping of their boots, still audible. I wondered if I could finally get caught, today. What if they never reach me, like those hundred times?  Running wild, I crossed the steps with heaving breaths. Black tuxedos trying to get hold of me, grasp me, catch me. I swayed here and there, switching my lanes. Finally, those black ties thought of a strategy and surrounded me … 3 men in front, 5 behind. The leader took out his gun aiming at my eye, shouting what felt like a warning, most likely asking for surrender. Aha. Nice move, gunshot. I said to him. He loaded the bullet. I made my move.

Running past him, dodging the bullets I pushed myself through and went right into the glass window, falling down the building. Those tuxedos trying to find a way out. I, looked at my right injured arm and said to the blood flowing through that chaos, was I ; that whirlpool of mess…these black ties could never catch.

I fled as fast as I could.

To The One Within

Dear self,

I know you’re trying your hardest to be at your best. Behind the smile that you fake everyday, I can see the pain. I can see the pain within your gorgeous eyes that lie behind those big frame glasses. I can hear your soul cry. 

Cry, cry.

I can feel your body get numb each time you see yourself in the mirror. Wondering, whether there’ll ever come a time when you’ll look a little better. I can see you curse under your breath each time you get a glimpse. I don’t blame you. I was never impressed by what I saw in the mirror either. 

I can feel you getting nauseated each time you get reminded of your past. Each time someone mentions it, you feel like dying, I know. I can feel it too. Recalling everything, makes you cry.

Cry, cry.

I know pretty girl, what’s going inside of you. 

Love, 

Self.

Not you, again

No. Not you, again.

Bearing you is beyond my ken.

Not letting you touch me, anymore.

Staying alone, evermore.

Never letting you ever reach me.

No matter how hard it is gonna be.

Never letting your shadow on me, fall.

Wouldn’t ever again, let you appall.

After all the years that we’ve together spent,

Thanks for giving me reasons to lament.

Wasting my time on you was a mistake.

Was the biggest ever risk to take.

You never spare me a moment to cherish.

Causing what you could; my life to perish.

Finally after learning how to resist,

Never again questioned why do I even exist.

Now I’m happy the way I am.

Never letting you my joy, scam.

No. Not you, again.

Never. Never again.

Poison

“Bitter sweet ecstasy that you got me in, 

Fallen deep, I can’t sleep tonight.”

I jammed to my favourite song in the car while savouring my Pumpkin Spice Lotté from Starbucks. With Rita Ora blaring through the speakers and the wind blowing in from the window, I could pretty much already call it a day. 

“Nothing ever, gets me high like this.”

I’ve never related or perhaps enjoyed this song as much as I did this very moment. Today marks the third day after my break up with Kevin about 2 weeks ago. Not to mention after a 4 year long relationship. 

“Nothing can kill me like you do.”

All the time we’ve had been together, I’ve always allowed him to kill me. I swear his presence was like a drug to me ’cause I was surely addicted to it.

You’re going straight to my head.”

But I soon realized that mine was like a cigarette to him. He would always enjoy a smoke but throw me away when done.

“And I’m heading straight for the edge.” 

I know he was playing all this while but it took me years to finally resist him. I knew he was killing me from inside, but I could not help but savour it.

“I pick my poison and it’s you.”

But I just knew I’ve had enough and could not handle it anymore. He was no longer that drug I was addicted to; he was now a poison. Killing me, gradually. I was no more that cigarette, but rather alcohol. Bitter sweet, yet enjoyable.

I was killing myself.

He was enjoying it.

                __________X__________

A/N : The lyrics I’ve used in here are of the song Poison by Rita Ora.

In A Labyrinth

I looked up to the sky.

Clueless.

Not knowing what the next chapter of life would unveil.

I looked up to the clear sky, though not with a clear mind.

Voices in my head, calling out my name.

Demons of my past, chasing me.

My fears approaching me, like a nightmare.

I shook my head.

And once again looked up to the sky.

Pointless.

Monsters in my head, screaming.

I was tumbling, falling.

I was being chased by the nightmares of my past.

My future self hiding under the tranquil of anxiety.

My present self trapped by the dreadful chains of loneliness.

I was helpless.

I looked up to the sky.

Demons of my past, chasing.

Monsters in my head, screaming.